The Real Name of Windows 7 Revealed!

The new incarnation of Windows Mojave will be named Windows Vista. Oh, wait. That was the last attempt at injecting some hip into the increasingly beigified OS. Microsoft will soon be distributing pre-betas of their new, Windows Vista look-alike OS. The glorious name of Microsoft's next-gen, neural net-powered, holodeck-capable Windows operating system will be ... drum roll please!

Windows 7!



Marquis flashes *APPLAUSE* *APPLAUSE*

...

*cough*

Beh. Really?! 7 was the best you had? Why not Windows 2009? Or a futuristic, 2001: Space Odyssey, Windows 2034? Ah, let's go all the way! Windows Future-the operating system from the actual future! Beat that, Linux!

Microsoft's timidity is understandable to a degree. I suppose Vista was too grand a name. The sluggish boot times, endless updates and constant nagging of Vista's UAC (User Account Control) failed to bring majestic panoramas to mind. Vista's alter ego, Mojave, probably only conjured images of an endless trek through a waterless desert as users stumbled around the control panel trying to uninstall AOL bloatware.

I, for one, think Microsoft should continue the trend of ever-increasingly grandiose names for their operating systems. Windows Megalisk-Empire Edition or Windows Quantum-Universe-Everything ring pleasantly in my ears. But sadly, this is not to be. Windows appears to be sticking with a more classic, gray-windowed Minesweeper approach. Microsoft is following the Halloween movie franchise's strategy: add a number and an occasional suffix. Windows 7. Windows 8: Resurrection. Windows 9: The Curse of the Auto-updater. Etc.

Given Microsoft's "I'm a PC" advertising gimmicks of late, I was expecting a much more edgy name. Aren't they trying to ditch the lamer image Mac tried to create? Windows 7.13.42.4 SP 2 just won't make me feel the slightest bit cool. Oh well. Do I really need to feel cool as I clean the Cheeto crumbs from my keyboard? No. Not really. But I wouldn't mind.

I guess Windows 7 is emphasizing the touch-screen business. That's something exciting. All these iPhones and Blackberrys let you touch them. Why not get touchy feely with our PC monitors? This isn't very exciting to me, but my grandmother will finally be able to play solitaire on a computer rather than just flapping the mouse around helplessly. Joy!

Ultimately, we'll just have to wait and see if Windows 7 brings the goods. The Ford Pinto didn't have the greatest name in town, but man oh man, was she a quality automobile. Give me something better than Vista, and I'll be pleased if the name is Windows Soul Flayer, Windows X99-Charlie-Tango-9er or simply, Windows 7.

You can see our operating system reviews here at TopTenREVIEWS, or you can keep going with the blog posts, numbered sequentially for your convenience. Okay not really:

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